the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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