where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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