My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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