ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
