I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
