I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
