ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm passing your future prison.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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