If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
