remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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