apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
