Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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