I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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