I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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