I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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