I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
