Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
