gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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