thus making me awesome and them whores
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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