Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
