When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
