is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
