Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
