Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
