there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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