saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
