I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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