I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
