you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
