Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
