i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
