Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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