walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
