The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
