fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
