Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
