I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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