It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
