I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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