Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
