Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
