Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
