Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
