She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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