I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
