Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
