Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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