I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
