i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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