sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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