there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
