Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
