i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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