I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
